So forget all the sadness and the anger for a little bit. My heart feels a great sense of relief right now. And plenty of joy I might add. The time finally came. I'm going home and I'm really excited to get there! All my belongings are packed and today the trailer was hitched to the van and the suburban was also prepped to go. There's not much to do tomorrow except clean the floors and load up our suitcases and other personal things.
In case you're wondering. It's a 24 hr trek that will most likely be split in two legs. Normally we'll stop in Hope, AR (the halfway point) to rest for the night at the migrant camp that provides shelter and showers to passing travelers. I didnt know where I was going, but I will be assisting my dad in navigating and such. So I guess there was some use for me ending up-up here after all.
Since we weren't exactly fully ready to leave yet, we're staying another night here and should be ready to go by Monday morning. I don't think we'll leave tommorow night because it's a lot more logical and safe to travel during the day since we're towing a trailer with the van and another car with the 'burban. Plus, not a lotta things are open Sunday in case we were to breakdown or something.
Wish me luck on my journey and be stoked! See ya'll peeps in TX in a few days!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Would You Pay A Penny For My Thoughts?
I feel like I'm bleeding my fucking life away...
Figured I'm just as empty as every bottle I've ever downed.
Figured I'm just as empty as every bottle I've ever downed.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Heaven Knows I'm Misreable Now.
I'm not hiding it this time. I'm not the type to smile through and say I have it all together, when in fact I don't. This is only the beginning.
I feel like shit right now. Desperation has gotten the best of me, it seems. The one thing that I've been longing for never came. I never got there. Sadly, I drifted further away from it. Home. What I would've given be there again for at least a day. Now, I think I've just given up hope of getting there again. The other night I had a dream. I thought I had awoken in the sweet sunshine of the house in Texas I called home. My mind played a perfect trick on me there. When I awoke up, I felt like tearing up at the fact of still being stuck here. I keep asking my folks when it is that we'll be outta here but I keep getting nowhere with that. I don't want to wake up here anymore. All the things I love are breaking me down and my mood has been kinda faint lately. These low temperatures aren't for me. I'd rather be sweating it out back home. They say home is where the heart is. I hope it is, because my heart is dying here slowly. I'm running out of things to keep me going.
I feel like shit right now. Desperation has gotten the best of me, it seems. The one thing that I've been longing for never came. I never got there. Sadly, I drifted further away from it. Home. What I would've given be there again for at least a day. Now, I think I've just given up hope of getting there again. The other night I had a dream. I thought I had awoken in the sweet sunshine of the house in Texas I called home. My mind played a perfect trick on me there. When I awoke up, I felt like tearing up at the fact of still being stuck here. I keep asking my folks when it is that we'll be outta here but I keep getting nowhere with that. I don't want to wake up here anymore. All the things I love are breaking me down and my mood has been kinda faint lately. These low temperatures aren't for me. I'd rather be sweating it out back home. They say home is where the heart is. I hope it is, because my heart is dying here slowly. I'm running out of things to keep me going.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Only God Knows Why
I haven't heard that song in a long time but it has some truth to it. Only the big man upstairs knows what's going to happen. I dont mean to preach, but if there's one thing that's shown me the way, it has to be God. I'll admit, I've made mistakes too. My mouth got me in trouble a few times this summer and almost ruined one of my friendships. Through my wrongs I found my rights and that's probably the most important thing.
It's just been so long since I was home and home is what i desire the most right now. I've let go of all the resentment and the hate I once had for people. Big O made me realize that I was becoming just like the people who hurt me and hurting myself and those close to me instead. He was right. But all that's pretty much over and I feel like I can live whole again. You can't change the will of others, and they will be what they choose to be. You don't have to always respect it, but you shouldnt let it consume your entire life.
How long do you have to run before you let go of the anger and bitter residue stored up inside? It's been about 4 months since I left home in May. Feels like I've just been running away from everything since. Look where I am now. I've drifted all the way up here and I dont even know why. I knew I wanted to be with my parents, but at what cost? I dont feel like crushing anyone's throat but I feel guilty in a way. Did everything fall apart because I neglected the reality of it? Still some questions with no answers.
At this point my feet are sore and my shoulders heavy from everything I've walked. However, I'm ready to turn around and go back home. The million dollar question is still yet to be answered: When are you coming back? Soon. Hopefully, soon.
It's just been so long since I was home and home is what i desire the most right now. I've let go of all the resentment and the hate I once had for people. Big O made me realize that I was becoming just like the people who hurt me and hurting myself and those close to me instead. He was right. But all that's pretty much over and I feel like I can live whole again. You can't change the will of others, and they will be what they choose to be. You don't have to always respect it, but you shouldnt let it consume your entire life.
How long do you have to run before you let go of the anger and bitter residue stored up inside? It's been about 4 months since I left home in May. Feels like I've just been running away from everything since. Look where I am now. I've drifted all the way up here and I dont even know why. I knew I wanted to be with my parents, but at what cost? I dont feel like crushing anyone's throat but I feel guilty in a way. Did everything fall apart because I neglected the reality of it? Still some questions with no answers.
At this point my feet are sore and my shoulders heavy from everything I've walked. However, I'm ready to turn around and go back home. The million dollar question is still yet to be answered: When are you coming back? Soon. Hopefully, soon.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A new experienced me will be coming back on rusted wheels and bloody knees
Bayside's the bomb. You should already know that by now.
I just want to talk about what's up in the Great Lakes State right quick.
The first thing I did the next day when I got here was go out and buy a football. My little sister (though not so little, she's 16) and my younger brothers (15 and 20), have been playing touch football with a few other neighborhood kids here pretty frequently since. Interacting with others in a sport activity was something that had been lacking in my life lately, so the purchase served its purpose.
I probably wont work. I really dont have to. But if i do, I'll take the plunge again and get dirty picking grapes or something. I doubt it.
The weather's pretty awesome. It hasnt been too cold, just moderate. But I'm sick, so it's not helping. However, there's only so much of it I can take. I wonder if it'll snow before we leave back home. I hope it does, but I also hope it doesnt. Snow's pretty, but freezing isnt cool (no pun intended). JS
My momma's cooking is heavenly. Yesterday she made enchiladas. Today she made banana nut bread and caldo de res in the evening. Not to mention the fact that her homemade flour tortillas are still the best. :)
In between all that I play some X-box 360 to keep myself from going insane or succombing to boredom.
That's pretty much my update for you. This NetZero dialup isnt all that, but at least I can still blog a little.
I just want to talk about what's up in the Great Lakes State right quick.
The first thing I did the next day when I got here was go out and buy a football. My little sister (though not so little, she's 16) and my younger brothers (15 and 20), have been playing touch football with a few other neighborhood kids here pretty frequently since. Interacting with others in a sport activity was something that had been lacking in my life lately, so the purchase served its purpose.
I probably wont work. I really dont have to. But if i do, I'll take the plunge again and get dirty picking grapes or something. I doubt it.
The weather's pretty awesome. It hasnt been too cold, just moderate. But I'm sick, so it's not helping. However, there's only so much of it I can take. I wonder if it'll snow before we leave back home. I hope it does, but I also hope it doesnt. Snow's pretty, but freezing isnt cool (no pun intended). JS
My momma's cooking is heavenly. Yesterday she made enchiladas. Today she made banana nut bread and caldo de res in the evening. Not to mention the fact that her homemade flour tortillas are still the best. :)
In between all that I play some X-box 360 to keep myself from going insane or succombing to boredom.
That's pretty much my update for you. This NetZero dialup isnt all that, but at least I can still blog a little.
People like us, we are always misunderstood...
No matter which words I use, it's still hard for some people to comprehend my life. It's not easy nor always fun. I'm not rich either. And there's no romance in my life, but my heart glows for things other than what's advertised on tv. Make sense? This life wasn't meant to be indulged in sin, but rather in altruism, doing kind things for strangers and helping to make a difference. I can't stop all humanity from tearing itself apart, but I'd like to think that I'm able to lend a hand to those who need guidance. You'll never see me or get to know me though, because I'm always on a different page. Those who do know me close enough to know my best kept secrets are my allies in life who I can depend on whenever I feel lost. I'm not trying to be someone else. This is just who I am down to my core. I still believe in values and the virtues that make oneself an honest human being.
My only desire is truth.
My only desire is truth.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I'm doing it
and it feels great.
I've been sober a little over 2 months now and it feels really awesome. It feels wierd saying the word "sober", but it's been that long since I last had a drink. I've fought off all temptation of consuming alcohol and succeeded at making alcohol a very unnecessary and unimportant part of my life. I can't tell you how happy I am about this. The streak is not going to stay perfect forever but at least it's not going to be something that will become a vice. It was never really a vice, but I think I've pointed out before how I made some bad choices because of it. The party life isnt for me and I actually feel healthier and much more relaxed than if I was drinking. I hope you can feel my excitement because I really am happy about this. :)
I've been sober a little over 2 months now and it feels really awesome. It feels wierd saying the word "sober", but it's been that long since I last had a drink. I've fought off all temptation of consuming alcohol and succeeded at making alcohol a very unnecessary and unimportant part of my life. I can't tell you how happy I am about this. The streak is not going to stay perfect forever but at least it's not going to be something that will become a vice. It was never really a vice, but I think I've pointed out before how I made some bad choices because of it. The party life isnt for me and I actually feel healthier and much more relaxed than if I was drinking. I hope you can feel my excitement because I really am happy about this. :)
Immokalee, USA.
Earlier today I was watching the Documentary Channel and there was this film on titled "Immokalee, USA." I clicked on the info button and it read: "The fight of the exploited farmworkers in Southern Florida." I knew I had to watch it, and I did. I knew I had to blog my thoughts about it, so I am.
To me the film was really empowering to me, especially knowing what some of those workers go through. At least being an American citizen makes it less painful, but for those who come here seeking the so called, "American Dream" it's a struggle.
There's three things that really stood out in this film. The first was a part about a man from Guatemala. He was trying to call his family members back home, he had no money, and when he finally get in contact, the man burst to tears while telling the recipient on the other end of the hell he's gone through. He said they looked at him in shame and not even his own countrymen would take him in, and there's people out there who try to kill them every night. It was very sad seeing that because it shows that it's not easy just crossing over.
A farmer said it himself. To paraphrase roughly: The American people will not do this, referring to the field labor needed to grow produce. Without those farmworkers, there would be no food. And that's what they don't understand. He's actually right on that. In fact, he hit right on the money. Without those millions of farmworkers, farmers wouldnt be able to produce as much as they do. In fact, it would be very significantly less than what they would be able grow with hired hands.
Then there was man. Sitting on the curb outside a soup kitchen. It had been about 15 days since he last ate and he refused to beg or go into the soup kitchen. Finally, the young woman, one of the filmmakers, I believe, gave him a muffin and a bottle of water. The man didnt want to take it at first, but he eventually did. It's definitely a sight that you dont see everyday. Or that they won't show you on TV either. But that's the harsh reality of it. Whether it's here in southwestern Michigan, California or Florida, there's plenty of farmworker communities and it's unfortunates.
Coincidentially, I had a very similar conversation with my dad earlier at McDonalds. I asked him if he had looked for a job detassling, or picking cucumbers and he said he did, but most large jobs nowadays just hire contracted farmworkers. That means that it's mainly single men, mostly immigrants, who are hired to do all the labor for them. Sadly, that puts many migrant families out of jobs that they travel north, west or east in search of them.
But anyways... I dont want to rant a whole lot on this subject. I think those three things from the film really focus on what I wanted to talk about. This is a topic that I'm pretty passionate about because I believe that there needs to be an immigration reform with some type of amnesty as the resolution because the reality is that these people are needed to feed the world. Having been through it myself, I also believe that there should be more farmworker labor laws, because that line of work definitely deserves some merit. If I ever do finish my degree in political science, I want to go into public service because it's one place where I believe I can make a difference by working for the people and helping educate about rights/healthcare and other things that affect lower class hispanic communities.
In order to make a change, there has to be a change in policy.
To me the film was really empowering to me, especially knowing what some of those workers go through. At least being an American citizen makes it less painful, but for those who come here seeking the so called, "American Dream" it's a struggle.
There's three things that really stood out in this film. The first was a part about a man from Guatemala. He was trying to call his family members back home, he had no money, and when he finally get in contact, the man burst to tears while telling the recipient on the other end of the hell he's gone through. He said they looked at him in shame and not even his own countrymen would take him in, and there's people out there who try to kill them every night. It was very sad seeing that because it shows that it's not easy just crossing over.
A farmer said it himself. To paraphrase roughly: The American people will not do this, referring to the field labor needed to grow produce. Without those farmworkers, there would be no food. And that's what they don't understand. He's actually right on that. In fact, he hit right on the money. Without those millions of farmworkers, farmers wouldnt be able to produce as much as they do. In fact, it would be very significantly less than what they would be able grow with hired hands.
Then there was man. Sitting on the curb outside a soup kitchen. It had been about 15 days since he last ate and he refused to beg or go into the soup kitchen. Finally, the young woman, one of the filmmakers, I believe, gave him a muffin and a bottle of water. The man didnt want to take it at first, but he eventually did. It's definitely a sight that you dont see everyday. Or that they won't show you on TV either. But that's the harsh reality of it. Whether it's here in southwestern Michigan, California or Florida, there's plenty of farmworker communities and it's unfortunates.
Coincidentially, I had a very similar conversation with my dad earlier at McDonalds. I asked him if he had looked for a job detassling, or picking cucumbers and he said he did, but most large jobs nowadays just hire contracted farmworkers. That means that it's mainly single men, mostly immigrants, who are hired to do all the labor for them. Sadly, that puts many migrant families out of jobs that they travel north, west or east in search of them.
But anyways... I dont want to rant a whole lot on this subject. I think those three things from the film really focus on what I wanted to talk about. This is a topic that I'm pretty passionate about because I believe that there needs to be an immigration reform with some type of amnesty as the resolution because the reality is that these people are needed to feed the world. Having been through it myself, I also believe that there should be more farmworker labor laws, because that line of work definitely deserves some merit. If I ever do finish my degree in political science, I want to go into public service because it's one place where I believe I can make a difference by working for the people and helping educate about rights/healthcare and other things that affect lower class hispanic communities.
In order to make a change, there has to be a change in policy.
its the choo choo shoe charlie, the choo choo shoeee!!
Talk about the summer not being what it was supposed to be. My stay in DFW for the summer was pretty long overdue and I knew it was time to get outta there. So here I am now in the great lakes state, otherwise known as Michigan. Wikipedia it, Michigan comes from the word michigama, which means "large water" or "large lake", thats what she said.
The interesting part about all this isn't why I'm here, but rather how I got here. I'll be honest, Fort Worth just wasn't cutting it anymore. So I decided to leave and come up here with my parents, but had to figure out how to get to Michigan in the most economical way possible. Scratch Greyhound out. Those bus lines are hell. Scratch out flying. That would end up costing me about $400 to fly and the nearest airport here is an hour away. Luckily, I remembered that Dowagiac had a train station and I found out that Amtrak indeed did run through there. And it's only about 15 minutes away. Sure, it would take about a day to get from Texas to Michigan but my fare was only $137. More importantly, no bag fees.
I've been here for about a week already. Last Sunday, I boarded in Fort Worth around 2:30pm and got to Chicago around 1:45pm. That whole ride there was a little bit crazy, but I liked the experience of traveling by train. It's very relaxing and they have things like a lounge car to sit and enjoy the view or sit at a table to play cards if you have any, and a dining car if you get hungry. I spent most of my time in my seat reclined back, reading my book and listening to my ipod, and texting and Tweeting when I wasnt reading. It took about 7 hours to get out of Texas due to train traffic and stops. We got into St. Louis, Missouri just as the sun was rising and there it was, the Gateway Arch. I had been wanting to see it for myself since I was a kid. I knew it wasnt long until we got to Chicago and sure enough, by early afternoon the train arrived at Union Station in Chicago, IL. I ate a delish Chicago style chili dog and waited to connect on the next train going to Michigan. Awesomely enough, Chi-town is only 2 hours away from here so it wasnt long until I was reunited with my folks.
Took a few snapshots with my phone along the way. They came out pretty alright. Check 'em.
Dallas, Texas on a rainy day.
U.S. Cellular Field. Home of the Chi-Sox
Niles, Michigan. Next stopp D-town, MI
The interesting part about all this isn't why I'm here, but rather how I got here. I'll be honest, Fort Worth just wasn't cutting it anymore. So I decided to leave and come up here with my parents, but had to figure out how to get to Michigan in the most economical way possible. Scratch Greyhound out. Those bus lines are hell. Scratch out flying. That would end up costing me about $400 to fly and the nearest airport here is an hour away. Luckily, I remembered that Dowagiac had a train station and I found out that Amtrak indeed did run through there. And it's only about 15 minutes away. Sure, it would take about a day to get from Texas to Michigan but my fare was only $137. More importantly, no bag fees.
I've been here for about a week already. Last Sunday, I boarded in Fort Worth around 2:30pm and got to Chicago around 1:45pm. That whole ride there was a little bit crazy, but I liked the experience of traveling by train. It's very relaxing and they have things like a lounge car to sit and enjoy the view or sit at a table to play cards if you have any, and a dining car if you get hungry. I spent most of my time in my seat reclined back, reading my book and listening to my ipod, and texting and Tweeting when I wasnt reading. It took about 7 hours to get out of Texas due to train traffic and stops. We got into St. Louis, Missouri just as the sun was rising and there it was, the Gateway Arch. I had been wanting to see it for myself since I was a kid. I knew it wasnt long until we got to Chicago and sure enough, by early afternoon the train arrived at Union Station in Chicago, IL. I ate a delish Chicago style chili dog and waited to connect on the next train going to Michigan. Awesomely enough, Chi-town is only 2 hours away from here so it wasnt long until I was reunited with my folks.
Took a few snapshots with my phone along the way. They came out pretty alright. Check 'em.
Dallas, Texas on a rainy day.
U.S. Cellular Field. Home of the Chi-Sox
Niles, Michigan. Next stopp D-town, MI
Definitely had Saylor's Pizza upon arriving around 7pm Eastern time (yeah, different time zone). Been to a few places so far, and it's nice being able to revisit the places I knew so well about 6 years ago. The weather's been marvelous and Michigan Wolverines football is in full bloom this season, so life's great. Give it a few weeks and I'll get tired of the cold and flee back south to my beloved Lone Star State.
For now though, I'll be in Michigan chillin & Ohio State killin'.
For now though, I'll be in Michigan chillin & Ohio State killin'.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I have a headache the size of Texas
Oh Texas, you will be missed. But this departure is what's best. Even though the Detroit Tigers are heading to the playoffs, the Texas Rangers have my heart, post-season or not. As for my Houston Texans, though I may not be able to catch the games, I'll still be watching out for you my loves.
Tommorow will be my last full day in DFW, so this will be my last blog until I get set up again in Michigan. I depart Sunday afternoon at 2:20pm from Fort Worth Station and arrive at my destination on Monday around 7:00pm EST. I do get to spend 2 hrs in Chi-town during the layover to board the train to Dowagiac, MI, only about 2 hours away.
One cool thing about this is being able to watch baseball with my old man like the old days. It's been forever since we were able to sit down and catch the MLB playoffs in October. It's also been a while since we've watched a soccer game on TV. And momma's cooking, I'm definitely looking forward to that too. And Saylor's Pizza, oh mannn it's been forever! Hmm and I wonder if 5-mile Drive-In is still operating this time of the year? I will be definitely be reacquainting myself with the new surroundings once again.
I will miss my best friends and my crazies. Believe me, this distance is driving me crazy. It will be soon, I know it will. Soon being about a month or so. I really miss chillin' with my boys Enrique and Esteban and that crazy fool Edward, who I team up with to create havoc everywhere we go. Most importantly, my best friends in the world, Gabriel, Marisol and Juan, I really miss hanging with them. I know it's not the same when I'm not around because we usually just hang at my house. And the girls. I love you so much. Allyssa, Amanda, Vanessa, Lizbeth, Hanna, etc. I really wish I was around to hang on the weekends and stuff, but like I said, soon. Until then, just hold it down til I get back.
I gotta add cool tunes to my ipod and start packing already. I'm just taking my warmer clothes like my jeans and shirts and my jacket cuz its already beginning to get chilly up north. I dont really have a closing statement, except that I think this will be good for me so wish me luck.
Tommorow will be my last full day in DFW, so this will be my last blog until I get set up again in Michigan. I depart Sunday afternoon at 2:20pm from Fort Worth Station and arrive at my destination on Monday around 7:00pm EST. I do get to spend 2 hrs in Chi-town during the layover to board the train to Dowagiac, MI, only about 2 hours away.
One cool thing about this is being able to watch baseball with my old man like the old days. It's been forever since we were able to sit down and catch the MLB playoffs in October. It's also been a while since we've watched a soccer game on TV. And momma's cooking, I'm definitely looking forward to that too. And Saylor's Pizza, oh mannn it's been forever! Hmm and I wonder if 5-mile Drive-In is still operating this time of the year? I will be definitely be reacquainting myself with the new surroundings once again.
I will miss my best friends and my crazies. Believe me, this distance is driving me crazy. It will be soon, I know it will. Soon being about a month or so. I really miss chillin' with my boys Enrique and Esteban and that crazy fool Edward, who I team up with to create havoc everywhere we go. Most importantly, my best friends in the world, Gabriel, Marisol and Juan, I really miss hanging with them. I know it's not the same when I'm not around because we usually just hang at my house. And the girls. I love you so much. Allyssa, Amanda, Vanessa, Lizbeth, Hanna, etc. I really wish I was around to hang on the weekends and stuff, but like I said, soon. Until then, just hold it down til I get back.
I gotta add cool tunes to my ipod and start packing already. I'm just taking my warmer clothes like my jeans and shirts and my jacket cuz its already beginning to get chilly up north. I dont really have a closing statement, except that I think this will be good for me so wish me luck.
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